So, uh… 2018’s gonna get better, right?

Because so far it’s been pretty much bullshit. And I’m over it.

I came here wanting to write, but now that I’m here, it’s like pulling teeth… Perhaps we’ll try this again later?

Weight hasn’t changed, depression meds and anxiety meds acquired. *mega eye roll*



Yes, this is a kid’s story. I get it, I’m drawing my own meaning from this on a very tenuous thread. But in a conversation I just finished about why I’m putting myself through all this pain in order to learn about and change myself, becoming is the only reason I can come up with. I don’t want to be the shitty person I have been my whole life… but why? I don’t answer to anyone, no belief in a higher power, no religious leaders judging me. I’m doing it for myself, to know and genuinely like myself. To hold myself accountable for being the person I want to be, not what life circumstances and bad choices have made me into. I want to become myself. I’m not sure what exactly that means at the moment. I don’t know who I will grow and change into. But does it even matter, so long as I become? Not everyone goes though this process… look around, you’ll see them. The fake ones with button eyes and plastic hearts. But if you pay attention you’ll see the real ones between these fakes — the ones who’ve had it tough, who have bare spots and rough patches, who have struggled through the becoming to know who they are today. Becoming isn’t pretty. But the outcome is worth it. Knowing who you are, deep down at your core, and genuinely liking that person… it will be so worth it.

When I’m wrong, I make sure I’m really fucking wrong.

2018 is starting off pretty rough. I broke up with my boyfriend, a man I had convinced myself I’d spend the rest of my life with. While a lot of it was good and some of it was great, we had a few irreconcilable differences that left me feeling absolutely miserable about myself and where we were headed. I had a come-to-Jesus moment on New Year’s Eve/day, and made some big decisions… mainly that it was time to do some massive overhauls in regards to my life choices. I realized how I’ve hurt people, how I didn’t realize people’s worth and value until it was nearly too late. How I was blinded by the allure of a man who promised me big things — a home, a career, money, travel, etc. — when in reality I already had everything I needed…. real, honest, devoted love from someone who genuinely cared about me as a person. I made the wrong choice and now I’m paying for that choice. I also lied a fuck-ton, to both myself and others, about the state of my relationship. I convinced myself I’d made the right choice in choosing him. I didn’t. I was cruel to the person who matters most to me, and I nearly lost him because of my choices. I’m working on earning his forgiveness and trust again, but it’s going to be a long road. I’ve also made ‘resolutions’ (if you want to call them that) to be more honest, less controlling and manipulative, and more true to myself. These will help me earn back the trust I threw away in time, I hope, but moreover they’ll help me become someone I like instead of a person I hate. I look back at my actions, especially over the past year, and I’m disgusted by what I see. I really don’t know who I was trying to be, who I was trying to impress… it’s been a clusterfuck of a year, for sure. I think about my Nan a lot, and wonder if I’d be such a fuck up if she were still around to give me her undiluted opinion. I didn’t always like what she had to say, but she always shot straight and I could trust what she had to say. I miss her every fucking day. I wonder how much of my craziness in the last year or so is directly related to losing her… not that I’m placing blame anywhere besides with myself, don’t get me wrong. Just trying to see connections and correlations. Just trying to figure out this fucked up brain of mine. Feels like I take a few steps forward and then slide all the way back down… I hope someday I feel secure in who I am, what I believe, and the choices I make. I hope that day isn’t too far away…

I saw this online today and it really made me think. Many of these things are applicable to me, and I’ve thought for a long time about past lives and the plausibility of them. Just wanted to throw down some thoughts on the matter while they’re fresh on my mind.

1. I have recurring dreams when I’m stressed. It’s always been the same two, my entire life. One stopped when I figured out the inspiration for it (weirdly, a scene in The Little Mermaid, lol). I still occasionally have the other.

2. I don’t think this one applies to me.

3. I have a very strong intuition. I trust my gut more than my logic at times, and it’s usually spot on. Not only is this true with people but with situations as well.

4. Constant deja vu. Quite literally happens several times a week. Usually it’s insignificant events but the feeling I get is as if I’ve lived this moment at least once before. I also get deja vu in regards to my deja vu… I know I’ve already experienced this moment and recalled experiencing it before too. It’s so weird.

5. Yes, I can usually know what a person is feeling but I also chock that up to interpersonal awareness.

6. Happens frequently, and perhaps it’s lumped in with intuition in my book. Usually minor things, but I can specifically recall mourning a relationship 24 hours fully before the breakup occurred, and prior to that had no idea it was coming. I laid in bed and cried and was inconsolable; the next day, when the breakup happened, I was calm and not as overwhelmed as I would have been had I not mourned the day prior. I’ll never be able to explain how I so clearly knew things were over…

7. Doesn’t apply to me.

8. I have always, always, always felt older than my years, ever since I was little. Everyone in my life has always said I’m an old soul, and I’ve always known I didn’t fit in with my age-peers. I still don’t, to this day. It’s why my best friends have always been my mom’s age, my boyfriend is 14 years older than me, etc.

9. Not applicable that I can determine.

10. Moths, butterflies, abandonment when I had a relatively stable childhood, falling and being unable to get back up. Needles breaking off or being left inside my body.

11. I have always felt out of place and vastly different from those around me. Ever since I was a very young child I’ve felt different and outside the norm, and have struggled to make myself fit in and be a part of the collective whole. Even though I’ve had many friends, close and casual and family-level-close, I always struggle to stay… involved? invested? I feel so apart from people so often, it’s hard to fully give myself to relationships with people at times. I think that’s a huge reason my boyfriend and I are as close as we are — we both feel this way, and being together is soothing in that regards. We both feel understood and that we can be real with one another. It’s really an incredible feeling when you’ve felt… off, I guess… for so much of your life.

Anyways, just wanted to word vomit a bit. I really want to begin writing more, as it helps keep my head clear and my emotions in check. Maybe I’ll make this a more common occurrence, not discussing weight loss (though on that regard I’m 244.3lbs). ✨💖✨

Well hello again.

It’s weird… I get really into writing for awhile then for some reason or another it falls to the wayside. Alas, I am back and here to update all two people who still follow me! 😋

A LOT has changed in the last few weeks. I ended a long friendship that it took me years (and an eventual blow-up) to realize was toxic. I moved back to Maine from Pittsburgh. I now live with my boyfriend who is the most incredible man I’ve ever met (referenced earlier as the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and I still feel that). I work for a medical marijuana caregiver shop, something I never ever imagined for myself. As someone formerly staunchly opposed to marijuana (like I legitimately wouldn’t associate with people who smoked and thought anyone who did wasn’t a ‘good person’ — right, because I have any room to judge 🙄), working in a medical marijuana setting has given me a wildly different outlook. I love my job. I love my life! It’s insane how you can think that you’re happy until something changes and you realize you were merely surviving… now I’m LIVING. It’s an incredible feeling.

As for my weight loss, things have slowed. I’m under no illusions that it’s my fault — between the dramatic and difficult ending of a friendship, moving, the big life changes… I’ve not been to the gym in ages and my eating has been total crap. I’m stuck around 255lbs, but let’s be honest… even if this is the smallest I get, I’m happy. My life is so much different and better and I couldn’t be happier. I can move, walk, run a bit, sit in an airplane seat without a seatbelt extender, fit into pants found in ‘normal’ stores… I know people who didn’t know me before see me as a fat person still, and I am… but that’s fine. I have no illusions that I’ll ever be that manic-pixie-girl slender little thing. I’m happy and that is all I’ve ever, ever wanted to be! 💕💕💕


It’s been a little while since I’ve posted, but life happens. I started working a shitty job (that I just quit lol) and got kinda sidetracked from the gym and properly caring for myself. Now that I’ve got free time again, and thankfully an incredible boyfriend who is taking care of me through all this, going back to the gym is my main priority. Well, after next week when my company from home visits — I’m so excited to see my boyfriend and my cousin! It’s going to be the best birthday yet! 🙂

As of Monday, my weight was 263.6, which is a total loss of 137.1lbs, 77.4 since surgery. I try not to weigh myself more than once a week, especially since the gym hasn’t been a priority and the scale has been much slower moving as of late.

Some fun facts:

-My nan’s ring I had sized (from a 4 to a 14) is absolutely HUGE on me.

I think I’m in the ballpark of a size 9 now.

-I bought size 24 jeans and they’re too big… I may be a 20/22 😲

-I can consistently wear XL tops which is insane to me, and occasionally L

-My roomie and I have a handful of clothes that we can share and she’s not even plus sized. Like wtf.

Life is insane. I’m so happy. Changes are quick and weird and make things a little trying at times, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Ugh 💕

Non-scale changes.

-saggy thigh skin

-belly button rash from tummy folding

-moving without hurting

-bracelets falling down my arms

-feeling bones when I touch my body

-being uncomfortable in bed because bones

-a bra I’ve had for literally 5yrs that never fit is now slightly too big

-ordering clothes not knowing my size and sending them back because they’re too big

-being able to buy clothes in-store at Old Navy

Just a quick list while I’m thinking of it… and while many seem negative I’m so happy with it all!

In the ballpark of 278lbs (haven’t gotten on the scale in awhile), for a total of roughly 123lbs lost total!

How do you know?

How do you know when you've made the right decision? About anything, really? When you're given two perfectly acceptable options, how do you know which is the right one to choose? I feel like I'll always wonder what would have happened had I chosen the other path. What my life would have looked like, who I would have become, what experiences I'd have had…

Red pill or blue pill, Neo? There's no going back.

And perhaps that is the scariest part…

One year later.

Today, August 1, 2017, marks one year since I made the decision to pursue gastric bypass surgery. I had been suffering from a pinched nerve in my hip that would make my entire upper leg numb at times, and often prevented me from walking and standing for more than just a couple of minutes. I went to the doctor's office to get it checked out and in doing so, had to get on the scale. I was actually shocked… 400.7 pounds. I'd never thought I would let myself get to that point… I knew I was fat but I didn't realize just how bad things had gotten until that day.

Flip forward one year, and as of today I am at 295.8, which is a loss of 104.9 pounds. I am so much happier, and now I can move! I'm not nearly done with my changes, and honestly I still have a whole heck of a lot further to go, but I am so proud that I finally made the decision to seek a healthier life.

This was a year ago… I can't believe how much I've changed!