Gorgon, too fat to fly.

“No one wants to see round women…”

I don’t generally like fat-based poetry. Don’t get me wrong, I like poetry and I love spoken word poetry. But there’s something that makes me cringe whenever I hear artists talk about their experiences with fatness. Maybe it’s shame (okay, so it’s probably shame) and internalized fatphobia (yeah, okay, it’s that too), but I can’t help it. I just don’t like it. But Rachel Wiley’s Gorgon really made me feel something.

What this video made me realize is the true reason behind my decision to undergo weight loss surgery. It’s not the lower back pain, the shoulder pain from huge boobs, the not being able to walk around the mall for more than a store or two because I’m too fat… Those are reasons that I’ve told people. And really, those are a factor. But bigger than all those combined is this: It’s the fact that people can’t stand to look at me. Society hates me. Wouldn’t you undergo surgery too, if your whole life had been a series of jokes at your appearance? A lifetime of your family trying to convince you to lose weight, even bribing you with money per pound lost?

“We are too much. We are not enough. We are not people, but punchlines, head shakes, tongue clicks, ‘such a shame’, ‘such a waste’, ‘such a pretty face’…”

I’ve never just been called pretty. It’s always in reference to my face, or my hair, or my eyes or my clothes. Not me. Not the entirety of me. I just want a normal life. I just want to be allowed to exist, exactly as I am. That’s the goal of my weight loss surgery. Of course I want to alleviate my pains, don’t get me wrong. But more than that? I simply want to exist in a world that tolerates me.

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